While I have spent a large amount of time over the last decade writing, there are some topics I have NOT visited. Over the years I have written about parenting, prayer, forgiveness, faith, God’s will, fear, anger and many others. Take one visit to the ‘Inspirational’ section at any book store and you will quickly see that there is no shortage of resources on marriage. There are hundreds, if not thousands of books on the market about the topic of marriage.
From the time Kam and I met so many years ago, he has always been in some sort of ministry. In high school he was president of FCA. He and another friend also were advocates for a program called True Love Waits.
At TCU, Kam and his friend ran a large FCA on the campus and they traveled to high school FCA meetings to speak. Often times they did not even have the gas money to get there, but off they would go.
I give all of this history to say, we have been in some sort of ministry for over 20 years. When Kam became a pastor he immediately started filling his office hours with marriage and family counseling. Not long into our marriage I saw that the majority of couples that were active in marriage ministry had survived really rough relationships at some point in their journey. Their stories were so inspiring and seemed to usually have one common theme, “We didn’t think we were going to make it!”
The more I heard these stories, the more I discounted our story or at least the ability for our story to help others in any way. I started to feel the struggle that I have also had with the testimony of my faith. There wasn’t much to tell. I was born, taken to church when I was days old, and I have loved Jesus ever since. While my life hasn’t always been easy, I don’t have a story of drugs and alcohol or living on the streets. I am grateful for my story but know that not everyone can relate.
I have wrestled with this same thought in women’s ministry. In church I would hear speaker after speaker say that God called them to women’s ministry but they didn’t even like women. That was so hard for me to relate to. I don’t have a lifelong story of being betrayed by women. I still like them. So can I still minister to women?
Marriage ministry had become the same story, third verse. It seemed to me that because marriage is and has been under such immense attack, those ministries truly needed the stories of those couples that had relationships hanging by a thread, BUT God!! Those stories were easy to relate to for countless couples that felt their relationship is or was at its end.
Well recently, after Kam and I had one of our usual late night conversations, we talked about the fact that while our marriage has not been perfect, there has never been a day that we didn’t think we were going to make it. We have never had a separation or uttered words that would proclaim, “This is the end.” Yes we have disagreed. Yes we have made each other feel unappreciated. Yes we have been impatient. Yes we have misplaced the priority of our marriage. But no, we have not been on the brink of the end of us.
I watch the trends today and my heart breaks. I see so many young adults post pone getting married and often times settle for simply moving in together. There is a strong fear of a marriage gone wrong, so they simply don’t commit at that level. It saddens me. While the stories of marriages that have hit rock bottom and turned it around may minister to those couples that are in that place of rock bottom, I think there are some newly weds and singles that need to hear our story. One of hope, fun, and adventure!
Marriage is not something to be feared or dreaded! It is a commitment to be celebrated, hence the wedding!! Great marriages do not only happen after they have been broken first. Great marriages can be an everyday event that start from day one. Will there be hard days? Yes! Will there be adjustments to be made? Yes. Will expectations make for hard conversations? Yes. Will the pressures of life put your relationship to the test? Yes. And most importantly, does the enemy want to destroy your marriage? ALL DAY LONG!!! Be on guard!! I know many times people get all kinds of weird talking about the enemy. It seems like a topic only the super spiritual Christians talk about, BUT lets go there.
If there is a God, there is a devil (little ‘d’ people.) The Bible says he is out to kill, steal and destroy you. I think even non-believers would agree that divorce can destroy the members of a family in every way. Don’t think for a second that the enemy is unaware of that fact. As my dad says, Satan doesn’t have the power so he is forced to use deception, but anyone that can walk into heaven and take 1/3 of the angelic hosts is definitely a force to be reckoned with. Don’t prance through life unaware that the enemy is working. And definitely don’t live life battling your spouse when there is an actual enemy. Husbands and wives are on the same team. You don’t want to get that confused. It will totally change how and who you are fighting.
Let’s be honest, writing this article is pretty much putting a huge target on my own marriage. The enemy does not want anyone to know that marriage can be amazing! Unfortunately, as long as society, television, and social media are slamming husbands and wives with sarcasm about the drudgery of marriage, Satan really doesn’t have much work to do.
I am here in this online space for one reason: to encourage!! Men and women need to know that marriage can be something so incredible that all of the adjectives in the world can not describe it. But just for a second, let’s try. This list is not all inclusive. It is just a few things that come to mind when I think of marriage:
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Safety – There is a feeling that is hard to describe when you feel secure.
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Never ending slumber party of fun! That is a fave for me. It is not spiritual but it is still high on my list.
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Challenging – Kam always pushes me!
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Learning – You will learn more about yourself than you ever thought you could.
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Encouraging – He sees more in me than I do!
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Enduring – I honestly am speechless at all that we have lived through together. It creates an intimacy that is incomparable.
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Powerful – We are more powerful together. Duh!
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Growth – A relationship this intimate that exposes all of my flaws pushes me to growth that I would not be accountable for on my own.
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Perspective – We see better together. We often offer perspectives in each others’ worlds that we would not have the opportunity to experience alone. I could go on and on on this one but maybe that is a separate article.
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Love – You guys!!! This term is so broad and used so often, but it can not be used often enough in marriage. It is the thing that we come back to EVERYTIME! When miscommunication, frustration and even anger show up, we go back to this 4 letter word!! We love each other! That means that while we work on any area in our relationship, love is our motivation.
My heart is to encourage, so if your marriage has been anything but a fairy tale, there is no condemnation. Even better, there is hope! The Bible says in Jeremiah 29:11 that God wants you to know He has a hope and future for you. What if that scripture also means He has a hope and future for your marriage?